My company is currently reviewing its leadership principles. It's the kind of exercise that organisations tend to go through every few years and there's nothing wrong with that. However, it did prompt me to Google 'leadership principles'. The top result that this returned was for the Naval Reserve Officers Training Corps, UC Berkeley and their principles can be found here, http://navyrotc.berkeley.edu/resources/gouge/leaderprinciples.stm .

What I like about them is how straightfoward and clearly articulated they are. There's no glib 'one team, one dream' type guff, which you can just imagine wouldn't go down well with a bunch of marines. Indeed, their principles have a resolutely military feel to them. You can just imagine a stiff-backed man in uniform, standing in front of a line of recruits and shouting 'Take responsibility for your actions and the actions of your Sailors or Marines!'

It got me to thinking what it would be like if civilian companies employed military leadership techniques? So it's Tuesday morning and the boss marches across to your office cubicle. He's brandishing a sheath of paper in his hand and then shouts 'What's this, Wilson? You call this a report?! Get down and give me fifty!'

The other thing that those Berkeley naval guys have is an honor code. I particularly like the midshipsman's honor code which reads as follows: 'A Midshipman does not lie, cheat, steal, or engage in any activity which would compromise the integrity and security of his or her conscience, the well-being of the unit, or the values of the United States Navy and Marine Corps.'

Powerful stuff! If translated to this office, though, what would the office worker's honor code be? Well, how about something like this: 'An office worker does not pilfer paper clips, waste time forwarding tawdry joke e-mails and does not hide his colleague's stapler. An office worker does not engage in any activity that might compromise the integrity of customer data, such as losing his laptop in a strip bar, and works to maximise the wellbeing of his team, department, division and company.'

Of course the trade unions wouldn't countenance any such honor code. Again, picture the scene. A trade unionist enters the boss' office and slams a hairy fist down on the desk. Then in a broad Yorkshire accents asserts that 'You can't do this, lad. It infringes t'rights of workers!' This tense scene is interrupted, though,  when a young line manager storms into the office. She's just been through the newly militarised leadership principles course. Without hesitating, she pulls out a luger and blows the trade unionist away!

I'm a fan of vampire films and TV programmes. Recently, I got to thinking about how all vampires portrayed on TV seem to have a fine set of teeth. I can't really remember seeing any vampires who had lots of teeth missing.

Following on from this, I wondered whether vampires actively select people who have had the benefit of orthodonistry when deciding who to sire? If so, that feels slightly discriminatory. After all, it tends to be middle class well off parents who treat their kids to the joys of braces.

The other question that I've been pondering is the process by which those oversized fangs emerge. Do you need to have your existing canines and then they extend once the corpse rises from the grave? Or are those vampire canines like a third set of teeth? Imagine the teething pains!

I like the thought of a vampire crawling up through the soil, only to discover that a lifetime's over indulgence of sugary products means that the are denied their vampire fangs. And then they'd have to order a custom-made set of falsies to enable them to bite their victims.

In fact, I'm sure there's good potential for a comedy sketch. Or alternatively, it would have made for a good comic turn in a Buffy episode!

This week saw all manner of claims that the end of the world was nigh. The reason? Well, some scientists have created a scientific instrument that can be used to crash beams of protons into each other in an attempt to reproduce the conditions that existed in the first billionth of a second after the Big Bang that started our world.

The fear, apparently, was that the scientists would somehow accidentally cause a black hole to be created that would suck all life into it. The first tests, however, went well and the world seems to be going on as per usual. I did have a momentary scare when I thought that a small black hole had appeared on my desk at work. Thanfully, it turned out to be a fleck of dirt. Crisis over!

The device that smashes these particles together is called the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) and scientists have decided that what they need is a more catchy name. They've therefore invited people to submit ideas for a new name to the following e-mail address: edwards@rsc.org. I've put through some suggestions including the New Dawn and the Revelator. I'm sure they will be inundated with suggestions but ones such as the World Killer or Black Hole Maker will probably be rejected!

The next big date for the testing is apprently due to be the 21st of October so, if you're one of the people who thinks it'll cause the end of the world, then make sure you complete all projects, etc, well in advance of that date!

I read a newspaper article today about how unpopular a leader Gordon Brown is. For those who don't know, Gordon Brown is the UK Prime Minister but is widely expected to be dethroned at the next general election.

The article was saying that it was felt that there weren't really any other viable options within the Labour party, no-one who would be considered (by the populace) to be a safe pair of hands.

If we want a safe pair of hands, though, I pondered, perhaps we should opt for a goalkeeper? I mean, they couldn't really be much worse than some of the goons that we've had (Blair and Thatcher spring to mind).

However, following through on this idea reveals some problems. Looking at some of the options we've got Scott Carson, Paul Robinson and David 'Calamity' James, three English goalkeepers who are renowned for big-time errors and gaffes.

An alternative would be the reliable Craig Gordon but he's Scottish and i get the feeling that the English wouldn't want another Scot after Brown. Northern Irish keeper Maik Taylor was born in Germany so he'd fit in well with the Royal family but it probably wouldn't be a vote winner.

With the absence of capable safe hands from the current generation of goalkeepers, I think we would need to go back to a previous generation. Gordon Banks for PM it is then. He might have a few difficulties winning votes in Scotland, but the man who made 'that' save against Pele would surely provide the safe hands that seemingly we're in need of?!

Well, it's September which means it's officially Autumn (or Fall for any North American readers), which is depressing as we've not had a summer this year. It's just been one continual grey sky plonked above the UK this year and depositing rain of biblical proportions down upon us.

Never mind, I guess that just means that we've had lots of time to write or surf the Internet and relax indoors. However, in just four years time the Olympics will be coming to London and I reckon the organisers need to start thinking now about what indoor events can quickly be added. Snooker, pool, and darts seem like no-brainers and possibly squash too. How come badminton and tennis are in the Olympics but squash isn't? It seems rather arbitrary. I have a vision of the Olympics' founding fathers having a list of sports on a wall, being blindfolded, and then pointing blindly towards the sports that would be allowed entry!

Of course, the UK did amazingly well in the Chinese Olympics, shocking the world and annoying the Aussies who have claimed that we can only win in sports that involve sitting down! At a recent work away day, we were tasked with coming up with our own ideas for new events that the UK could do well at. My team came up with the Victorian Triathlon Relay, an event comprised of a doggy paddle swim (in the Thames), followed by a penny farthing cycle ride (over a bumpty BMX track) and then finally a pub crawl. We had Rebecca Adlington, Chris Hoy and Johnny Vegas on each respective leg and feel that we'd definitely beat the Aussies and all other nations at that event! Start the petition for it now! The only objection that was raised to our pitch was the possible effect on the NHS to have so many people swimming in the polluted Thames. This objection dissipated, however, as soon as I pointed out that only one of the swimmers would be British so the cost to the NHS would actually be very small!

I wonder what other weird and wonderful new sports can be created, so that we can start to rival the US and China?!

A colleague recently started a discussion about the top ten reasons to avoid Edinburgh whilst the Edinburgh Comedy Festival is on. Whilst I and thousands of others enjoy the Festival, there are some locals who find the whole thing a big inconvenience.

So, putting myself in the mindset of a fictional (and very messed up) Festival-hater, here are my top ten reasons to avoid Edinburgh during the Festival:

1) Your psychologist has told you to avoid horrendous traffic congestion. He's concerned about your road rage affliction.

2) You also suffer from pavement rage and are afraid the crowds will
provoke you into making the front page news.

3) Too many people trying to thrust leaflets into your hand is irritating.
Let's face it you've got a basic anger management problem. 

4) You once dated a comedian/actor and want to avoid the awkwardness that would ensue if you bumped into him/her.

5) Overpriced food and drink makes it expensive to wine and dine any new comedian/actor that you might meet.

6) Having to listen to Edinburgh residents complaining about the Festival
 always results in you telling them that you're from war-torn Afghanistan and that things could be worse.

7) Too many people ask you directions. Can't they buy a map?

8) You're a philistine and culture offends your brutish sensibilities.

9) You had a bad previous Festival experience and are now traumatised for life.

10) You couldn't be bothered getting off your bum and anyway there's Big Brother repeats on TV.

Do any of these reasons strike a chord? Hopefully not all of them, although (if so) you could always write a show about your neuroses!