I read an amusing thing recently. My office is part of a really beautiful campus that has a small river running through it and quite a lot of land attached. The note was the minutes of a meeting to discuss the ongoing maintenance of the flora and fauna on the grounds. 

Apparently, because we're close to an airport, there are restrictions on the number of birds that are allowed on the grounds. Now you might ask yourself 'how do you restrict the number of birds?' I mean it's not as if you can put up barbed wire fences to keep them out. It would be nice to think that we had garishly-attired scarecrows pegged out across the lawns, like some weird crucifixtion scene, but we don't. Instead, apparently, we're simply not allowed to have trees or bushes that bear fruit that would attract birds. 

Unfortunatley, though, the river has fish in it and has attracted not one but two herons. Now one would be okay but we're not allowed two! The second heron is therefore being encouraged to leave, which brings to mind an image of the groundsman stalking around shooing the heron away, or maybe he's got some spotty-faced apprentice who he makes do all the dirty work.

Also included in the groundsman's tasks was removing detritus from the river, which revealed that the river also contains leeches! I hope they're paying him danger money cos his troubles don't end there. You see we've also got a pesky escapee mink who has evaded all attempts thus far to catch him. The task of entrapping the critter is made complicated by the fact that we don't want to harm the otters.

What? Otters, mink, herons and leeches?! Forget doing any work, we should get a TV crew in and make a fortune from one of those animal diary programmes. In this credit crunch doom-laden time, fluffy bitey animals is what we need!

If there are any other weird animal antics, you'll hear it here first. It won't feature badgers, as they've been moved to a new home, but I'm hoping that we may diversify to become a zoo and bring in big cats and polar bears. At least, that would give the mink something to think about! 

A colleague recently started a discussion about the top ten reasons to avoid Edinburgh whilst the Edinburgh Comedy Festival is on. Whilst I and thousands of others enjoy the Festival, there are some locals who find the whole thing a big inconvenience.

So, putting myself in the mindset of a fictional (and very messed up) Festival-hater, here are my top ten reasons to avoid Edinburgh during the Festival:

1) Your psychologist has told you to avoid horrendous traffic congestion. He's concerned about your road rage affliction.

2) You also suffer from pavement rage and are afraid the crowds will
provoke you into making the front page news.

3) Too many people trying to thrust leaflets into your hand is irritating.
Let's face it you've got a basic anger management problem. 

4) You once dated a comedian/actor and want to avoid the awkwardness that would ensue if you bumped into him/her.

5) Overpriced food and drink makes it expensive to wine and dine any new comedian/actor that you might meet.

6) Having to listen to Edinburgh residents complaining about the Festival
 always results in you telling them that you're from war-torn Afghanistan and that things could be worse.

7) Too many people ask you directions. Can't they buy a map?

8) You're a philistine and culture offends your brutish sensibilities.

9) You had a bad previous Festival experience and are now traumatised for life.

10) You couldn't be bothered getting off your bum and anyway there's Big Brother repeats on TV.

Do any of these reasons strike a chord? Hopefully not all of them, although (if so) you could always write a show about your neuroses!