I was checking out a funny spoof news website, called The Daily Mash, today that had lots of humorous stories related to the deteriorating economic position. This included a brilliant report stating that economists are now warning of the likelihood of Billy Bragg. Apparently, the 'dire financial climate means there is now a greater chance of the communist singer-songwriter than at any time since 1987'! Check out their website here, www.thedailymash.co.uk .

I can just imagine Billy Bragg emerging from a hibernation spent in the depths of some cave and cautiously sniffing the air for signs of a financial meltdown. I guess what this shows is that every cloud truly does have a silver lining. Sure, the economy may be worsening, inflation may be rising, and the world entering a deep dark recession but, cheer up, cos at least it's a boom time for comedy writers and political activist singers.

So if you're a funny political activist singer, then I guess you should be about to hit gold, although you'd never be able to appear happy about your good fortune cos, like, you're so angry about politicians, bankers, oil tycoons and capitalism. 

As a sketch writer, I should certainly have a good stock of ideas to work upon. Maybe a war between Iceland and Britain, only Gordon Brown thinks it's Iceland food stores that he's fighting? Or something about it being like the 80s again, with people imitating events from that era. Liverpool's footballers would all be busy growing moustaches and would start to win things. Meanwhile, there'd be another big strike but, instead of a Miners' strike, we'd have a Minors' strike because spelling standards have slipped. All these little tots would be manning (no sorry, boying) the barricades shouting that they want an end to Jamie Oliver school lunches! Or an end to Jamie Oliver himself - now there would be a cause to unite the nation and raise spirits!  

I read an amusing thing recently. My office is part of a really beautiful campus that has a small river running through it and quite a lot of land attached. The note was the minutes of a meeting to discuss the ongoing maintenance of the flora and fauna on the grounds. 

Apparently, because we're close to an airport, there are restrictions on the number of birds that are allowed on the grounds. Now you might ask yourself 'how do you restrict the number of birds?' I mean it's not as if you can put up barbed wire fences to keep them out. It would be nice to think that we had garishly-attired scarecrows pegged out across the lawns, like some weird crucifixtion scene, but we don't. Instead, apparently, we're simply not allowed to have trees or bushes that bear fruit that would attract birds. 

Unfortunatley, though, the river has fish in it and has attracted not one but two herons. Now one would be okay but we're not allowed two! The second heron is therefore being encouraged to leave, which brings to mind an image of the groundsman stalking around shooing the heron away, or maybe he's got some spotty-faced apprentice who he makes do all the dirty work.

Also included in the groundsman's tasks was removing detritus from the river, which revealed that the river also contains leeches! I hope they're paying him danger money cos his troubles don't end there. You see we've also got a pesky escapee mink who has evaded all attempts thus far to catch him. The task of entrapping the critter is made complicated by the fact that we don't want to harm the otters.

What? Otters, mink, herons and leeches?! Forget doing any work, we should get a TV crew in and make a fortune from one of those animal diary programmes. In this credit crunch doom-laden time, fluffy bitey animals is what we need!

If there are any other weird animal antics, you'll hear it here first. It won't feature badgers, as they've been moved to a new home, but I'm hoping that we may diversify to become a zoo and bring in big cats and polar bears. At least, that would give the mink something to think about! 

My company is currently reviewing its leadership principles. It's the kind of exercise that organisations tend to go through every few years and there's nothing wrong with that. However, it did prompt me to Google 'leadership principles'. The top result that this returned was for the Naval Reserve Officers Training Corps, UC Berkeley and their principles can be found here, http://navyrotc.berkeley.edu/resources/gouge/leaderprinciples.stm .

What I like about them is how straightfoward and clearly articulated they are. There's no glib 'one team, one dream' type guff, which you can just imagine wouldn't go down well with a bunch of marines. Indeed, their principles have a resolutely military feel to them. You can just imagine a stiff-backed man in uniform, standing in front of a line of recruits and shouting 'Take responsibility for your actions and the actions of your Sailors or Marines!'

It got me to thinking what it would be like if civilian companies employed military leadership techniques? So it's Tuesday morning and the boss marches across to your office cubicle. He's brandishing a sheath of paper in his hand and then shouts 'What's this, Wilson? You call this a report?! Get down and give me fifty!'

The other thing that those Berkeley naval guys have is an honor code. I particularly like the midshipsman's honor code which reads as follows: 'A Midshipman does not lie, cheat, steal, or engage in any activity which would compromise the integrity and security of his or her conscience, the well-being of the unit, or the values of the United States Navy and Marine Corps.'

Powerful stuff! If translated to this office, though, what would the office worker's honor code be? Well, how about something like this: 'An office worker does not pilfer paper clips, waste time forwarding tawdry joke e-mails and does not hide his colleague's stapler. An office worker does not engage in any activity that might compromise the integrity of customer data, such as losing his laptop in a strip bar, and works to maximise the wellbeing of his team, department, division and company.'

Of course the trade unions wouldn't countenance any such honor code. Again, picture the scene. A trade unionist enters the boss' office and slams a hairy fist down on the desk. Then in a broad Yorkshire accents asserts that 'You can't do this, lad. It infringes t'rights of workers!' This tense scene is interrupted, though,  when a young line manager storms into the office. She's just been through the newly militarised leadership principles course. Without hesitating, she pulls out a luger and blows the trade unionist away!

I'm a fan of vampire films and TV programmes. Recently, I got to thinking about how all vampires portrayed on TV seem to have a fine set of teeth. I can't really remember seeing any vampires who had lots of teeth missing.

Following on from this, I wondered whether vampires actively select people who have had the benefit of orthodonistry when deciding who to sire? If so, that feels slightly discriminatory. After all, it tends to be middle class well off parents who treat their kids to the joys of braces.

The other question that I've been pondering is the process by which those oversized fangs emerge. Do you need to have your existing canines and then they extend once the corpse rises from the grave? Or are those vampire canines like a third set of teeth? Imagine the teething pains!

I like the thought of a vampire crawling up through the soil, only to discover that a lifetime's over indulgence of sugary products means that the are denied their vampire fangs. And then they'd have to order a custom-made set of falsies to enable them to bite their victims.

In fact, I'm sure there's good potential for a comedy sketch. Or alternatively, it would have made for a good comic turn in a Buffy episode!

I read a newspaper article today about how unpopular a leader Gordon Brown is. For those who don't know, Gordon Brown is the UK Prime Minister but is widely expected to be dethroned at the next general election.

The article was saying that it was felt that there weren't really any other viable options within the Labour party, no-one who would be considered (by the populace) to be a safe pair of hands.

If we want a safe pair of hands, though, I pondered, perhaps we should opt for a goalkeeper? I mean, they couldn't really be much worse than some of the goons that we've had (Blair and Thatcher spring to mind).

However, following through on this idea reveals some problems. Looking at some of the options we've got Scott Carson, Paul Robinson and David 'Calamity' James, three English goalkeepers who are renowned for big-time errors and gaffes.

An alternative would be the reliable Craig Gordon but he's Scottish and i get the feeling that the English wouldn't want another Scot after Brown. Northern Irish keeper Maik Taylor was born in Germany so he'd fit in well with the Royal family but it probably wouldn't be a vote winner.

With the absence of capable safe hands from the current generation of goalkeepers, I think we would need to go back to a previous generation. Gordon Banks for PM it is then. He might have a few difficulties winning votes in Scotland, but the man who made 'that' save against Pele would surely provide the safe hands that seemingly we're in need of?!

A colleague recently started a discussion about the top ten reasons to avoid Edinburgh whilst the Edinburgh Comedy Festival is on. Whilst I and thousands of others enjoy the Festival, there are some locals who find the whole thing a big inconvenience.

So, putting myself in the mindset of a fictional (and very messed up) Festival-hater, here are my top ten reasons to avoid Edinburgh during the Festival:

1) Your psychologist has told you to avoid horrendous traffic congestion. He's concerned about your road rage affliction.

2) You also suffer from pavement rage and are afraid the crowds will
provoke you into making the front page news.

3) Too many people trying to thrust leaflets into your hand is irritating.
Let's face it you've got a basic anger management problem. 

4) You once dated a comedian/actor and want to avoid the awkwardness that would ensue if you bumped into him/her.

5) Overpriced food and drink makes it expensive to wine and dine any new comedian/actor that you might meet.

6) Having to listen to Edinburgh residents complaining about the Festival
 always results in you telling them that you're from war-torn Afghanistan and that things could be worse.

7) Too many people ask you directions. Can't they buy a map?

8) You're a philistine and culture offends your brutish sensibilities.

9) You had a bad previous Festival experience and are now traumatised for life.

10) You couldn't be bothered getting off your bum and anyway there's Big Brother repeats on TV.

Do any of these reasons strike a chord? Hopefully not all of them, although (if so) you could always write a show about your neuroses!