Little Britain. The Fast Show. Chewin' the fat. We love our TV comedy shows in this country, even if sometimes our sense of humour may leave other nationalities bemused! I haven't yet had any sketches performed on TV but here's a few sample sketches that I've written with the typical TV comedy sketch format in mind.
Buffy MacSummers sketch
With Sarah Michelle Gellar having quit the show for her shot at film stardom, the show's producers have turned to an unknown Scottish actress to replace her as the new slayer. The show has accordingly been re-located to Glasgow which has been discovered to be the new Hellmouth.
EXT: GLASGOW ALLEY - LATE EVENING
VOICE OVER (IN POSH ENGLISH ACCENT):
'Into every generation a slayer is born, one girl in all the world, a chosen one ...'
(Buffy is in an alleyway. Half crushed empty cans of export lager litter the ground and football graffiti adorns the alley walls. A young couple are making out in a doorway.
Buffy has a pointy stake in her hand. She's banging it on the palm of her other hand, in ready anticipation of a fight. The camera pans down the alley, past the couple, following Buffy's line of sight to the far end of the alley. A group of hulking zombie-like creatures are approaching in a slow shuffle. Their eyes are glazed over.
Buffy moves lightly on her feet, shifting into a balanced fighting pose. She grasps the stake firmly in her hand. She sees the lead zombie approach and it seems ready to speak.)
LEAD ZOMBIE:
(Looks at Buffy, then at her stake, then back at Buffy)
'Hey wee gal, ya wan' tha real thing?'
(Clutches groin suggestively but sways drunkenly as he does this)
BUFFY MacSUMMERS:
'Och, yez are no zombies, yez ur jus' a bunch a' minging neds!'
(Buffy storms off, shaking her head in disgust)
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Better than us sketch
EXT. FOOTBALL TRAINING PITCH - DAY
MAN IN RANGERS TOP:
'I kick with ma right foot.'
(Kicks ball toward goal but it balloons over the bar)
MAN IN CELTIC TOP:
'Whilst I kick with ma left foot.'
(Kicks ball with skews off target, he winces)
TANNED LONG_HAIRED MAN IN AN ITALIAN TOP:
'I kicka witha botha my feets, no problemo.'
(Juggles ball effortlessly from foot to foot and then volleys it powerfully into the goal. The net bulges. He winks at the camera and walks off with a pretty blonde on each arm.)
EXT. DOLE QUEUE - DAY
RANGERS MAN & CELTIC MAN:
(in unison)
'Bastard!'
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Scottish/French cooking show sketch
INT. TELEVISION STUDIO KITCHEN - DAY
LYNNE FRIDGE:
'Hi! Welcome to 'Now we're cooking', the programme where we hope to turn you onto lots of wonderful dishes that you may previously have been blissfully unaware of. It's a world of culinary surprises as myself and my good friend Pierre Lefrenche provide guidance on some of the best dishes that Scottish and French cuisine have to offer!
Later, I'll be showing you how to make a delicious haggis and tatties supper with special Irn Bru sauce but, first, over to Pierre for today's first delight all the way from France!'
PIERRE LEFRENCHE:
'Hey, zank you Lynne, and ze dish, it is also from la France! Ha, Ha, Ha! .....
(turns to camera)
Bonjour my leetle darlings! Today, I am going to show you how to make a dish zat we call la dish lapin bleu.
(Pierre merrily picks up a rabbit carcass and dumps it down upon a cutting block. It looks suspiciously like a road-kill)
First we, how you say, cut ze fur from ze rabbit, comme ca, et puis nous add a leetle garlic, and a leetle more, et voila!
(At this point the skinned rabbit, covered in garlic, is placed on top of a plate, garnished with some greenery and Pierre reaches for a fork and knife, licking his lips)
C'est magnifique, non?!'
(The camera pans back to Lynne who looks a bit uncertain)
LYNNE:
'Ah? ... yes ... thanks Pierre. That's certainly a dish that I would never have thought of. We've got a break coming up now but don't go away as when we come back I'm going to show you how to make a most traditional Scottish dish using sheep's innards!'
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