There comes a time in every writer's life when love rears its ugly head. Yes, you've progressed that novel that you always knew was in you and you've succeeded in getting half of it out of you and onto paper. You feel quite a bit lighter for having done so (of soul if not of pounds and ounces) but now you've reached a tricky part. You see, your hero has been flirting with his or her dream girl/boy and now the initial coyness has worn off and they are about to enter the next phase of their fledgling relationship, which will involve actual physical contact.

Now, unless you are a writer of romance novels or erotica, the chances are that the thought of having to write a love scene may fill you with a deep dark sense of dread. Your concerns may intensify when you realise that there's actually a Bad Sex awards gong that is bestowed by the Literary Review each year. Its aim is to flag up examples of hideous atrocities that have been committed by writers when writing love scenes. Included amongst the list of nominees are some high profile names, such as Will Self, John Updike and Irvine Welsh.

Tom Wolfe was the winner of the Bad Sex awards in 2004 for a passage, from his novel "I am Charlotte Simmons", that included the following cringe-worthy section:

"Slither slither slither slither went the tongue, but the hand that was what she tried to concentrate on, the hand, since it has the entire terrain of her torso to explore and not just the otorhinolaryngological caverns - oh God, it was not just at the border where the flesh of the breast joins the pectoral sheath of the chest - no, the hand was cupping her entire right - Now! She must say "No, Hoyt" and talk to him like a dog ..."

Otorhinolaryngological caverns? Pectoral sheath? Even if the lady in question was a doctor, with an intimate knowledge of anatomy, I strongly suspect that she would not be thinking of such dry and precise terminology whilst in the throes of passion!

I guess what this shows is that even seasoned professional authors can take leave of their senses when faced with the thorny challenge of writing a steamy love scene? That's of some consolation, I'm sure, to the plethora of unpublished amateur writers who find themselves faced with the same challenge.

How though can we minimise the risk of writing something that is truly horrible? Well, the good news is that help is at hand as you can read my advice on writing a love scene, via this link:

http://www.helium.com/items/1462317-best-ways-to-write-a-love-scene-and-how-to-avoid-being-nominated-for-the-bad-sex-awards

I hope that you will find this advice useful and that you avoid some of the worst excesses of romantic writing that have landed authors such as Wolfe, Self and Welsh their Bad Sex nominations. Interestingly, politician Alastair Campbell also secured a nomination when he tried his hand to writing. Maybe he should stick to being a spin doctor?  

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